Crap.

I feel like crap.

So many things in my life are good. I have basically no debt, I have a job I like (most of the time) that pays me enough and allows me to take a shit-ton of Vegas trips every year, I live an independent life and am more or less happy. Then why do I feel like shit most of the time?

Oh wait, I know the answer to that. It's because I eat like a 14 year old chubby kid whose only food source is Twinkies. My diet is reprehensible and unacceptable for a grown ass man. My diet is the one last thing in my life that I have been unable to get control of. I got control of my finances. I got control of my career. I got control of my relationships (by ending most of them). Why can't I fix my shit diet?

I LOVE bad food. I'm addicted to sugar and fat and all the other trappings of the modern junk food diet. The ease of it. You don't have to seek out a fresh food market. You can slip into a corner store or a chain restaurant and make off with a cheese steak or a pizza in no time. But mainly it's the taste. I fucking LOVE candy, and cookies, and chips, and beef fucking jerky. It's awesome tasting.

It's also making me feel like a lump of crap. I'm getting 8+ hours of sleep every night, but I wake up tired and cranky and don't tend to have much energy during the day. By the end of the day after the usual "sit around and binge on junkfood" marathon after getting off work I feel like a bloated, sugar high mess.

Not to mention what it makes me LOOK like. I'm 6'2" and have a well built frame that can hide a lot of extra weight, but I should be around the 200-210lb range to be healthy. The last time I was weighed at the Dr's office I was over 250lb. Not over weight, not "chunky", full on fat. I complain about being invisible to the female of the species, well, I have a clue as to why. Being middle aged is one strike. Being genetically bald is another. Being a fat fuck is strike three for any chance of getting someone's pants off.

I take enough prescription meds and walk enough to keep my heart from flat out failing, but the older I get the harder that fight is going to get. I've had one heart attack (hereditary, but also due to a shit diet), likely if I have another it will put me in a wheelchair or a coffin. And that's where I'm heading.

The good news is I can change. No, I'm never going to be a vegan. I love food too much to deny myself anything savory the rest of my life. I also hate most vegetables. That's not going to change. And I'm not going to buy a fucking blender. But I CAN start making better choices. No more hot turkey and melted cheese sandwich from Grumpy's cafe every day for lunch. No more awful TV dinners and junk snacks up the wazoo every night. Small steps at the start, then maybe something closer to vegetarianism later, (if I can find an alternative to vegetables). Get away from the processed and fortified and preserved.

I've posted this shit before but I have a bit of resolve this time. I'm 40 fucking 6. Time to fix the one part of my life that still isn't adult. Not to mention I WOULD like to actually go to a pool in Vegas and not be the token old, fat white guy, and I WOULD like to get laid again before I croak.

It starts tomorrow.