How to Vegas.

It dawned on me today that, hey, after 30+ trips, I know some shit about Vegas.

I will begin to impart this sage, invaluable, Yoda-like wisdom in this post. I will add a snippet here and a snippet there (and a snippet everywhere) as I think of things that may make the Vegas-ing easier for those less infinitely knowledgeable than me. Which is all of you. This will be a LONG post eventually.

Rooms and Resorts: Don't Get Hung Up On It!

A big mistake I see on the Vegas Message Board (basically THE clearing house of Vegas-going wisdom) is people asking "where should I stay that has the best this or the best that". It's a trap that's easy to fall into. With other vacation spots, you are sort of locked into one resort or vacation area. In Cabo, you generally book an all-inclusive and you more or less stay rooted there. In the mountains, you're going to pick a ski resort and pretty much stay and play there, and so on. It can be a good thing, as you don't have to think much, but the choices can be limited. People make the same mistake of thinking in Vegas.

The beauty of the strip is you don't have to settle for one resort, or even settle on just the strip, for that matter. The whole of the Vegas strip is 4 little miles. You can get to literally any part of the strip from any part of the strip in a 15 minute cab ride. Just because you're staying at Bally's doesn't mean you have to hang out there. I always advocate staying in the best room possible in the general area you'd like to be, whether that's through a comp or just a good deal on Orbitz or something. Then, as long as you're not trying to concentrate your play at that one resort, or unless you have mobility issues...just roam.

I used Bally's as a conscious example there. Bally's rooms have been renovated over the past few years and are very nice, roomy and have all you really need to cover all the Vegas basics. Bally's is also an almost ideal location on the strip in that it's right in the center of the action and you can branch out anywhere from it. It is, however, a nothing resort. It has no notable casino features or bars or shows or..really any reason to be there. But if you're staying in that nice, central, relatively inexpensive room, you can then use that as a base to branch out anywhere on the strip, either by walking, ride share or cab. Play, party, vomit, do that thing you do. Then when the day is kaput you can make that quick stumble or ride back to home base and crash out. You may have spent only a few minutes of the day actually in the resort, but that's fine. No one will judge you if you're not staying at the fucking Wynn at $300/night every time.

The obvious exception to this advice is if you LIKE staying and playing and partying at one particular resort. That's also totally fine, and it's what I will be doing in 22 days. I could have stayed elsewhere from the Cosmo and done it for far cheaper, and normally would have, but this time I just wanted to have a worry-free and central base of operations for a long trip. Nothing wrong with that either; if you're a Venetian person and you just have to have that big step in the middle of your room to stumble on when you're drunk, you go girl. I'm just saying don't get hung up on where you're resting your head, or where you're spending your hard earned retirement funds, even though you're only 37. Where you're staying doesn't mean you have an anchor tied to your leg.

Rooms and Resorts: Where To Stay?

Now that we've established you don't have to nest in one tree, where SHOULD you stay? In 30+ trips I've stayed in most of the major resorts on the strip. Below are my humble suggestions for where you may want to book. This list is based solely on rooms - I will post another snippet with my casino/resort ratings later on. It's also based solely on places I've actually stayed. Wynn/Encore may have rooms plucked directly from the ass hair of Zeus himself, but I haven't stayed there, so I won't comment. One last caveat - these are all ratings based on standard rooms unless otherwise noted. If you're staying in a suite anywhere in Vegas it better damn well be great.

Great:
-Cosmopolitan - it's the fucking Cosmopolitan. 'Nuff said.

-Delano/THEhotel - I stayed here when it was THEhotel. Every room is a suite and they are very nice. Remodeled now but same floor plan and...whiter. Huge, beautiful bathrooms.

-Caesars Palace - both my stays here, in Palace and Augustus rooms, have been stellar. Roomy and well appointed including some of the best bathrooms for a standard room I've seen. Elegant and classic style.

-Mandalay Bay - I've said it many times, if MB was center strip it would be considered Bellagio/Wynn/Cosmo tier. Beautiful standard rooms and if you get a north facing window a great view of the strip too.

-Hard Rock HRH Tower - another all-suite tower, hesitate to include this as it's about to be converted to a Virgin hotel but the rooms may just get a refresh so eh. Big room, same basic size and layout as THEhotel. Some outdated amenities but very nice and well-appointed. Great bathroom.

Good:
-Aria - this place lands on most people's "great" list but it was meh for me. The standard room is just sort of boring. Colorless and just nothing special really. Cleanliness wasn't the tops, either. Still nicer than most standard rooms though.

-Bally's - the new remodel did a great job on the rooms. Dark decor but I like that and having a free fridge and decent views (in the Jubilee Tower) elevate it to the good tier. Meh bathroom drags it down a bit.

-Paris - had a Burgundy room, looks a bit chintzy in photos but in person it's very nice with good quality furnishings and a great view, if you get the Eiffel view.

-Planet Hollywood - the view alone would get it a "good" rating. With respect to Cosmo's Terrace Fountain View, the Hip room with the north tower north-west facing view is the best I've ever had in Vegas, hands down. Room itself is a bit of a snoozer, but it does have a nice big bathroom with a soaking tub.

-MGM Grand Tower - avoid the West Wing, but one of these is perfectly fine. Room itself is nice and modern, bathroom not so much, it's tiny and has a 1987 tub/shower combo, but the overall package is good enough to sneak it into the "good" range.

Meh:
-Mirage - showing its age, the old girl. Rooms are fine size-wise but it has one of the worst bathrooms I've been in, tiny and ancient looking. Had a view of nothing at all. Gets the job done but far better MGM rooms are to had.

-NYNY - it pains me to say these rooms fall into the "meh" range but if Mirage needed a reno 5 years ago NYNY needed one a decade ago. I've stayed here 6 times and have never had the room not be clean, comfortable and quiet, but they are tiny and ancient.

-Palms/Palms Place - stayed in an Ivory tower room and the PP standard suite. Both were just not maintained very well. Had big stains and dings and dents in the Ivory and the PP suite was old and also had stuff peeling off the walls. Says a lot about a place if they just don't take care of it.

-Vdara - pretty let down by this one. Obviously hasn't been reno'd since opening and it shows. The Japanese theme is boring an tired, and it is showing signs of wear big time. Decent sized room and bathroom, and the kitchen might be a thing for some, but I'll not be here again until after a reno.

-Luxor - this one is ONLY in the meh tier due to the new-ish Deluxe Pyamid rooms. They are dead basic but a huge upgrade over the ancient standard room. Towers also look like they're gotten a bump but haven't been in one for years so can't comment. Can not and would not recommend a stay in the standard Pyramid.

Bad/Avoid:
-Stratosphere - basing this on a nearly 8 year old stay, but man was it depressing. Absolutely cannot remember one thing about the room itself as it was so forgettable, but I do remember the flooding bathroom after taking a shower and the view of the back of a concrete manufacturing company. Just a huge downer. Looks like they've done some nice upgrades now though so, you do you.

-Excalibur - old, smelly, small and badly maintained. Think that covers it.

-Flamingo - they keep putting more and more lipstick on this pig but it's still, sadly, a pig. Cheap and chintzy and not fit for more than a one-night desperation stay.

-Tropicana - SO old and in need of renovation. Old Cuban cabana type theme and not bad for size but just showing too much age and bad upkeep to recommend ever staying in again. The best part of the stay was getting two amazing cookies from the front desk at check in.

-Park MGM - and finally the LAST place I would tell anyone to stay in Vegas. Just had a renovation but still small, boring, not well appointed (one door for both closet and bathroom?!) and literally, LITERALLY paper for walls. Like, you can hear every word of a conversation in the next room over 100% clearly, thin walls. Completely ridiculous and a fail on every level.

Foodz

Starting off with the high-enders and working my way down. There are the places that have stuck in my craw as the best "splurge" meal places I've been to in town.

$$$$
-Delmonico Steakhouse, The Venetian
It's the best steak I've had in Vegas, period. A consistently great cut of cow, Cajun spiced with just a hint of heat and huge umami, and melty butter to drown it in. Perfection.

-STK, The Cosmopolitan
Just one nipple hair less amazing a steak than Delmonico. Truly eye-rollingly good. Slight docking due to hard to get into at the bar and loud/clubby atmosphere but the steak makes it worth the trouble.

-Morel's, Palazzo
Pasta Bolognese. Really, really good and a big portion of it. Not as great a dish as the gone and sorely missed Carnevino's Bolognese, but still worth the expense.

-Joe's Seafood, Prime Steak and Stone Crab, Forum Shops
Not primarily a steakhouse but another fabulous filet. Simply cooked, perfectly prepared and ultra flavorful. Bit of a loud, raucous atmosphere but well worth the noise.

-Gallagher's, NYNY
-Yet another great filet in a classic steakhouse environment. No celebrity chef, no posh decor, just a great cut of steak perfectly cooked and for less than your arm and leg.

-Jaleo, The Cosmopolitan
This is my secret spot for an amazing, pricey lunch on the strip. Not secret because it's hidden but secret because I tend to be the only one in there every time I go. No idea why, as the prix fixe lunch is amazeballs. Just the jicama salad alone is crave-worthy enough to make this a do.

$$ (or, I love me some chicken strips)
-Twin Peaks, Planet Hollywood
Look, this is a chain in a mall, and the scantily clad scenery in this place is the main reason most guys go, but the chicken strips are way better than they have to be, and that's why I go back. Promise.

-Yard House, the Linq
Same as above without the scenery.

-Ri Ra, Mandalay Bay
Same as above but Irish.

-Nacho Daddy, Planet Hollywood
Buffalo. Chicken. Nachos. That is all.

-The Henry, The Cosmopolitan
Breakfast all day, small comfort food menu and every plate hits. Great Benedicts, and the late night menu is on point. Short rib nachos at 3a are hard to beat as a hangover minimizer.

-Blue Ribbon Chicken, Bally's
Really great chicken sandwich here and they're open late.

$
Just don't. You're in Vegas, save the fucking Taco Bell for Tuesdays at home.

Resorts, Where To Play?

My picks for the best, most fun casinos to gamble in on the strip.

-NYNY. Great casino atmosphere, just something about the place says "fun". Lively but not overly loud, always seems to be someone winning something. Small-ish space but high ceilings so great acoustics. LOVE.

-Cosmopolitan. Just decadent beauty everywhere and no matter how cool you are this place is cooler. Every game on the planet, decent mix of low to mid denoms despite the posh surroundings. Always feels inclusive and a good mix of age groups. High qual drinks comped on VP at the Chandelier.

-Mandalay Bay. Relaxing, spacious, no stress and every game in the universe. You never feel crowded or rushed. Drink service can be spotty but no other drawbacks for those who like their personal space.

-MGM Grand. One of the better VP spots as the casino bar is loooong and has dozens of decent paying bar-top VP machines. Bartenders are the crusty old Vegas vets but they are Johnny on the spot with comped drink refills. Slots a plenty as the casino is huge.

-Mirage. Only because I've done well on slots and VP here.